Vignette 17: Post-Heartbreak Bliss

From Heartbreak, Mourning, Loss. Volume One, Detach or Die

I read, I walk, I swim, I sleep, I heal.

I read novels, I walk the cliffs with my friends, I swim with my daughters, I sleep long nights, I drink lots of tea, I cook big meals, I drink Irish beer, sing Irish songs, and I like how the world feels, with or without Laura in it. I am on a treasure hunt in search of my lost self.

I congratulate myself every day on the fact that I have stopped spending my days and sleepless nights waiting, hoping for Laura to change her mind and to choose me over Jeremy. I still miss her affection, her caresses, her presence, but it is now a quiet kind of sadness that does not prevent me from enjoying the beauty of the place, here, and the presence of friends and family.

Laura’s betrayal reduced me to a pathetic helpless beggar; she had that power over me because of the unconsciousness of my mother complex. Mom made me beg for her love, as if I never felt quite good enough to be worthy of it. Laura triggered that reaction in me.

Of course, it is not just my mother complex: there is the real, actual Laura and her ambivalence toward me. Yet, the more I become aware of my, until now, unconscious mother-wound, the more I see its immense influence on my relationships to all the women in my life, and not only with Laura. I am at peace with myself and with Laura.