Vignette 14: I’m Trash and He’s Royalty

From Heartbreak, Mourning, Loss. Volume One, Detach or Die

The price to pay for self-denial

Since we got together five years ago, Bob has never paid his share of the rent, nor of the food, nor of any other expenses, because he has been working only part time and paying off student debts with the little money he earns. I am older than he by 15 years and earn a lot more than he does. I had a nest egg in the bank (all gone now) and I believed his financial dependence on me would be a temporary situation, maybe a few months. Finally, last month, after five years, he took a full time job. Instead of offering to contribute to our common expenses, he bought himself a thirty-foot sailboat. He said he absolutely needed a big « ego-booster, » something to rescue him from a sense of worthlessness and depression after the five years of not having his own money!

I could not brush off my disappointment and I insisted on his financial participation, but he argued that it would be a good thing for our relationship if he had his « own space, » which meant living on his sailing boat. A little voice in me whispered, “he has been using you all along!”

I am big woman, and Bob makes me feel like trash because of my weight problem. That is why I have been willing to be his sugar mommy and pay for everything all this time. Now he wants freedom from mommy.

I am reversing the script: he is trash, a boy rather than a man, a parasite, a big baby.